“If you’re havin’ girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” – Jay-Z

We try so hard to make the world in which we live in easier for ourselves. But there is always something or someone who to no fault of their own will make it harder again.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and it reminded me of the 8th grade. I remember, the 8th grade was the first time I really started noticing girls. It was also the first time that girls started noticing me. I think there was five girls total I had crushes on. Natalie, Megan, Courtney, Andrea?, and I don’t remember the other one’s name; we’ll call her “nameless vagina.” I remember, that I was so into these girls I had no idea how to ask them out. I had no idea what to do, as most people that age do. So when Valentine’s day came along I had this insane idea that I should give them chocolate’s and see which one responds the best from the gesture and from there pursue that one. I handed them the chocolates with my trembling hand and ran away in fright whilst muttering “Happy Valentine’s day” under my breath; and waited for some sort of response.

Not only was the 8th grade my introduction to women, it was also my first introduction to heartbreak that comes from desiring women.

Needless to say I received no response.

So here I am, thirteen years later, giving out proverbial chocolates and seeing who responds best. Not a thing has changed. Everything is exactly the same, and I mean that. Just as Valentine’s day thirteen years ago was full of heartbreak, this year’s Valentine’s day is also full of heartbreak as well. And every Valentine’s day in-between.

Recently I met a girl, you know the story for the most part; guy and girl spend time together, guy and girl become infatuated with one another, guy and girl are practically inseparable…the one difference all of you may never be able to empathize with is, guy tells girl secret…girl responds in unfathomable way. Guy and girl now share secret and guy’s life becomes ten trillion times better than it has been in what feels like thirteen years; because of girl.

Exactly two weeks later, guy asks girl if she wouldn’t mind visiting guy for a change. Girl becomes agitated, guy doesn’t understand why, girl becomes more agitated, guy questions girls agitation, girl stops talking to guy. That brings us to the present.

I am twenty six years old. I have dated over one hundred women since eighth grade. I had relationships with three of them. I have slept with six of them. I can count on my fingers and toes how many times I’ve actually performed the act of sex. My fingers and toes. Twenty times. Twenty. I have never felt love from another person. Believe me or not it makes no difference because I’m telling you, I haven’t felt as though a member of the opposite sex loves me. Not once. I’m talking, where both people have love for one another. My time with any girl has never lasted past six months. Six months. I have pairs of underwear that has lasted longer.

I’m telling you this, telling the world this, telling all of my professional contacts who read this blog, telling all my ex-type people, telling all new people who come into my life because I feel this directly affects every single one of you. I feel this directly affects your life. I am posting this to the internet because I am lost. This is a cry for help.

I’m not sure anybody besides myself can help me. See, a giant problem, which I don’t personally see it as a problem, just a road block that takes a long time to get over, is that I am picky. Very picky. I’ve always been told that beggars can’t be choosers, but I don’t agree with that. Example: I hate fish, so If I was begging for food, and someone gave me a salmon, depending how scarce the food is, I’m not going to eat it. I’m going to make sure what I am giving is going to be succulent. That it will be something I remember. I don’t want something just because it’s convenient, something that has been dropped in my lap because nobody else wants it. I’m going to get the best because that is what I desire. I will wait my whole life if I have to. And THAT my friends is the giant road block. I am begging for food. I am starving. Yet I do not want just anything. I can only blame myself as much as I blame others for my own problems/road blocks.

For only a month and a half I got a taste or something so sweet, so succulent, so utterly perfect to feed my starvation that it’s completely rearranged my palette. And to go back suddenly now is going to seriously mess with my head.

I really didn’t want to write any of this. The things I’m writing aren’t exactly going to help me any. This kind of honesty tends to have major repercussions, this kind of honesty being broadcast on the web could have devastating repercussions. 1) The girl could read this, and NEVER want to be with me again. 2) New potential girls I would date could read this, and not want to date me as a result. 3) A tidal wave of judgments will come at me from every angle, which could be far more than anything I could defend myself against. But I guess I’m tired of seeing people and pretending like everything is okay. I’m tired of laughing away my problems. Because they’re still there when the laughter stops. Nothing is okay. Because I haven’t felt love from another person and I haven’t felt love for someone, it’s beginning to directly affect my relationship with all of you and It’s beginning to affect my work.

How are you supposed to care about anything when you don’t feel cared about?

I know how this must look to you. Reading line after line of desperation and dramaticism. Looking for sympathy. I get it. I know how pathetic it looks. But that’s how I feel. This would be a lot easier if I felt I was confidant in this area of my life. But in this area of my life I am not. And confidence isn’t something you can just attain easily. Confidence happens from within, yes, but you’re kidding yourself if you think it happens solely from within. People that are confident have reasons they are confidant. Things that have happened or happen in their life that boosts their confidence.

I’ve met a lot of women. I’ve broken a lot of hearts. I’ve shattered a lot of confidence. And a lot of other women have returned that favor unto me. An endless cycle of shitting on others. It’s the doctrine of unintended consequences. You make a decision you think will be best, and you cant foresee all the possible consequences. You do “A” because it’s a good thing. But “A” has consequence “B” which is a bad thing for somebody else. Sometimes we focus so much on what we’re doing right now to fix something, that we forget about the people and the things that it affects.

I think the hardest thing I am dealing with in this regard is, all I wanted is for her to talk to me. But for all my little words, I do not think I can make it happen. That is the biggest concept I cannot wrap my head around when dating people. The lack of control. You can’t make someone listen to you and you can’t ethically feel like you should be able to. I don’t want to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, but in my heart I know that if we talked things through in a civil way it would make things better. But I can’t make her realize that. I can’t make her do anything. I feel powerless.

I feel when you’re romantically involved with someone, you’re constantly skating on thin ice. You’re constantly supposed to be thinking about how things will affect your significant other. Eventually you’re going to do something to piss them off, and then everything gets fucked. Because we’re not goldfish, we don’t forget…we’ll remember that someone pissed us off. We’ll use that against them later, because now, this person, who feels as though they were “wronged,” gets to have control over the destiny of the relationship. Where once it took two hearts to make the decisions in what happens in the relationship, now becomes one. And now you have no control because the other person gets to decide. It ruins me. Because originally a relationship is supposed to be two people who make it work. In the end when push comes to shove, ONE person ends it, by their heart no longer being in it. Suddenly there’s not a voting process anymore. Suddenly it’s a dictatorship. Meanwhile both were in it from the beginning. Now, it’s suddenly ONE person. It can be said that the person who did the “wrong” thing, forfeited their chance to be able to vote. Because you did something to jeopardize their trust in you as a sound decision maker in the relationship. But, that makes me come back to the lack of control you have when you date people. I don’t know how to explain this where I don’t come off as a possessive fuck face. I guess all I’m saying is, how do you explain to someone who will not listen? How do you convince to someone that is unconvinced? How can you make someone understand that doesn’t? How can you make someone not feel worthless when they already do? How do you truly make someone realize you care for them?

I’ve been talking to a lot of people about this and the common census is, it’s not worth it. They say, if you’ve been making all this effort to get back on track and she is still not responding, then she doesn’t care for you or the relationship and therefore neither should you.
Should.
I shouldn’t, logically.
But I do, emotionally.

I feel like I have a great grasp on understanding how life works; why things happen, how things happen, etc. But the minute you introduce monogamy I don’t know what to do. That is why I am writing, not to vent about her or the situation, or gain clarity, or something else like that; but because I can longer go about my life not understanding how monogamy works. THIS, is the aspect of life that is affecting my relationship with all of you. And the reason why is this: the ratio between people my age who have been in longer relationships to the people who have not I believe greatly outweigh each other. Which means, since I haven’t been in a longer relationship at all yet, it means the longer it’s going to take me to understand how relationships work. All of you who started even small elementary school relationships when you were seven have had that much more time to understand how they work and how to make them work. Of course obviously, there are things people can know about relationships without ever being in one, granted. But you can’t assume that. People need to be able to experience things to know how to do it for themselves. People that have been in longer relationships or relationships in general like to say, “they still don’t know how to make relationships work.” That’s funny and cute and all, taking for granted this experience that you’ve been bestowed but, regardless, I have never been in one. Not truly loving one’s at least. All I’m saying is, you can downplay your own feelings of inexperience or know how on how to make your own relationship work but that doesn’t change the fact that you have that much more experience than I have. And that is what I need. That is my point. Most people may not know how to make relationships work but I at least NEED to get to that point. So I can ensure that I will have great relationships! With women, friends and family! Maybe one of the reasons I feel I am losing everyone around me is because I do not know how to keep a relationship with anyone going because I have never been shown. I have always had people leave, maybe that is why I leave people, because I have learned from people leaving me. Sure, there are constants in my life; but they don’t have to move across the world for me to feel they’ve left my life. By them putting me on the back burner for something else is just as comparable to them leaving the country.

We may know that by touching a hot stove it will hurt us without ever feeling what a burn feels like. We may know that by not eating ice cream it would taste good without ever having tasting it. Because someone somewhere at some point has been burned, has eaten ice cream, has experienced something that we haven’t, and although their expertise and advice may be nice to hear to spare us from potential harm or to turn us onto a new food. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try it ourselves. We learn from our mistakes and we pass that on. If people listen maybe we saved them maybe we helped them. We decide what happens in our life. I could go my entire life choosing never to touch a hot stove knowing that I will be burned, and in the end I know that, that was something I was able to control. I controlled the fate of an experience. Now, if we use relationships or friendships as an example, our control over the fate of that experience is cut in half. In order to experience something like a bond with another person, you need half of someone’s desire to be a part of that bond. From birth, we learn how to build bond’s with other people. To help teach us additional things our guardians didn’t teach. Additionally, from birth we learn to think for ourselves, defend ourselves, educate ourselves for at one point in our lives we won’t have someone to take care of us. That’s all our lives lead up to. Learning how to live while we are away from the people who protect us. We control our own fate. How then do we break the conditioning of wanting to control a situation when entered into a bond with someone else?

I really fell for this girl.
Far too many things happened in a short span of time that cannot be ignored as major life changing events for me, and the idea that I can no longer share this with someone like her has made my world that much harder to live in.

I may be feeling this way right now:

But mainly I’m just feeling:

Time goes by,
I can feel myself growing old.
Burning inside,
Is making this boy turn out cold. – Violent Femmes