I’ve kind of always known why I don’t meet anyone. But it wasn’t until last Friday that I actually saw it in action. Laid out in front of me what I’m doing wrong.

I went to River Gods in Cambridge, which by the way, has an amazing vegan/vegetarian menu. I met up with a couple of friends of mine. And I was just supposed to meet up with them for a couple hours for food then drinks and then call it a night. However, we ended up having a great time dancing and talking so we stayed out late. In the midst of all this, a science experiment. Where I was supposed to play the role of the rat. However, instead, I played the role of the observer.

The reason for the science experiment was that at one point during the night a guy sat down next to us by himself and he sat there just having a drink. And I asked the two females I was with how they felt about a guy going to a bar or club by themselves and whether or not that’s a turn-off. They said no, they said it shows confidence. It shows that you’re confidant enough to go to a bar by yourself and confidant enough in your own body and mind. To which my reply was, “you girls are peanut butter bat shit crazy.”

Well, at the end of the night I ended up eating those words.

The lone man, was greeted by a friend that he was apparently meeting there; we’ll call him Chicken thick glasses. The lone man and Chicken thick glasses sat at the bar together by themselves speaking to no one else but each other. While they sat, me and the two female friends were talking about confidence, what it would take to get confidence, and whether or not if that’s even possible. Not long after Chicken thick glasses joined the party two very attractive women entered the bar and came up and ordered a drink. The women I was with then pursued to egg me on trying to get me to talk to them. I was resisting with all the power of the lion of Olympus because I feel like a douche bag when forcing conversation onto strangers. I hate it when certain kinds of people do it to me so I don’t want to become one of those people. So instead I watched as the lone man and Chicken fucking thick glasses suddenly became fucking the Chazz Reinhold (Wedding Crashers) of River Gods!

I shat myself twice and actually came a little too. It was like reading a fucking comic book. Peter Parker and his friend Clark Kent over here swoop in and nail the two hottest girls at the bar! What the shit is that?

I’ve spent an absurd amount of time on this Earth reading comic books, watching movies, and absorbing “fiction.” And a recurring theme throughout fiction is that the nerdy, socially awkward, geekiest, losery, Chicken thick glassesiest always wind up with the hott girl with a great personality. And the primary reason I continue to read this kind of genre is because it gives me hope that especially after witnessing what happened last night that the same can happen for me.

Now, for the crux…In fiction it depicts nerdy socially awkward people find and “get” great women without ever making the first move. Instances and occurrences such as the one I witnessed last night and other many times make feel that cannot be a reality.

However, instances and occurrences I have witnessed over time where nerdy socially awkward people find and do “get” great women without ever making the first move lead me to, well…believe in fiction.

So suffice to say I went home drunk and with nothing but my right hand. No phone numbers. No Facebook addresses. Nothing.

Well where ever you are lone man and Chicken fucking thick glasses, I hope nothing but the best for you regardless of my negative tones and harsh words. Ultimately, I’m just jealous. For your ability to turn my fantasy into a reality.

Why men want to date women who look like Barbie®. And why women want to look like her.
And why it’s okay to feel this way:

Barbie is young with small a waist, large breasts, long blond hair, and blue eyes. Why women want to look like her is because it is very much a realistic and sensible feeling to the desire of men to mate with women who look like her. There is evolutionary logic behind each of these features.

Hair. Men prefer young women in part because they tend to be healthier than older women. An accurate portrayal of health is physical attractiveness, hair is another. Younger women tend to have healthy lustrous, shiny hair, whereas the hair of older women tends to lose it’s luster.

Reproduction. Men have a universal preference for women with a low waist-to-hip ratio.

Boobs. Larger, and heavier, breasts sag more noticeably with age than do smaller breasts. Thus they make it easier for men to judge a woman’s age (and her reproductive value) by sight. This suggests why men find women with large breasts more attractive.

Eyes. Preference for blue eyes is both universal and undeniable—in males as well as females. Human pupils dilate when an individual is exposed to something that he/she likes. Pupil dilation is an honest indicator of interest and attraction. And the size of the pupil is easiest to determine in blue eyes. Blue-eyed people are considered an attractive potentiality because it is easiest to determine whether they are interested in us or not.

The evidence.
Hair. History shows that as far back as 15th century Italy, women were dying their hair blond. And a recent study shows that in Iran, where exposure to Western media and culture is limited, women are actually more concerned with their body image, and want to lose more weight, than their American counterparts. It is difficult to blame the desires of women in 15th century Italy and 21st century Iran on the socialization by media considering how few avenues there are and were to expose these cultures to this media. [Source]

Reproduction. These women tend to be healthier and more fertile than other women; they have an easier time conceiving a child and do so at earlier ages because they have larger amounts of essential reproductive hormones. Men unconsciously seek healthier and more fertile women when they seek women with small waists. [Source]

Boobs. Harvard anthropologist Frank Marlowe says that the sagging of the breasts make it easier for men to judge a woman’s age than with smaller breasts. Alternatively, men may prefer women with large breasts for the same reason they prefer women with small waists. Polish women show that women with large breasts and tight waists have the greatest fecundity, indicated by their levels of two reproductive hormones (estradiol and progesterone). [Source]

Eyes. One explanation is that the human pupil dilates when an individual is exposed to something that she likes. For instance, the pupils of women and infants (but not men) spontaneously dilate when they see babies. [Source]

The conundrum.
Face lifts, wigs, liposuction, boob jobs, hair dye, color contact lenses, and plastic surgery, any woman regardless of her age can have all of the key features that define the ideal female beauty. So why are we still attracted if we inherently know it’s all fake?

Especially if we take someone like Pamela Anderson for instance. She’s far past the age where her body could conceivably actually look close to how she looks now without surgery, yet, men look up to her as the definitive ideal model of our desires.

Why then?

The possible explanation here is something called, “The Savanna Principle,” which basically states, “the human brain has difficulty comprehending and dealing with entities and situations that did not exist in the ancestral environment.” Men’s brains may not be able to really comprehend silicone breasts or blonde hair dye, because these things did not exist in the ancestral environment 10,000 years ago. Men can cognitively and consciously understand that many blonde women with firm large breasts are not actually young, but they still find them attractive because their evolved psychological mechanisms are fooled by the modern inventions that did not exist in the ancestral environment.

Sociological introspection.
I think one of things I find so interesting about this, is how this attraction doesn’t affect all men and women. I think all the above evidence is true, but I also know many people do not feel this way. How is it that I am significantly affected by this and others are not? What does that say about them? What does that say about me?

When I desire Barbie-like attributes, am I just following the norm? Is my body refusing to see what other non-Barbie like women have to offer? Why is that? I’ve certainly dated a lot of women who are not Barbie-like. Can we control what we inherently desire?

I suppose I pose these questions, because I am fearful for what kind of decisions I will make in the future. Such as, if I find a girl that I would like to spend the rest of my life with who doesn’t have Barbie-like features, will I at some point become unattracted to that woman because she isn’t what I desire any longer? What happens then? It’s a scary thought to me.